Roc and a Hard Place - Piers Anthony, ebook
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vi CONTENTS11. CHENA...12. SCRAMBLE .......13. MPD..............14. PROSECUTION....15. DEFENSE..........16. VERDICT..........AUTHOR'S NOTE,.205.232.252.275.297.316.3381PROBLEMIt was a nice castle, with high turrets, solid walls, a deepmoat, and an elevated office suite whose picture windowoverlooked the nearby community of nymphs. Firecracker plants grew around the wall, useful for starting firesin the mornings, and the crackers tasted good too. The con-nected orchard had pie trees of the most sinfully deliciousvarieties. The mistress of the household was exactly as beau-tiful, devoted, and accommodating as her husband desired.A man could hardly ask for a better situation.Except for one or two small things. ' 'Where is your worserhalf?" Veleno muttered, looking apprehensively around."Don't worry," the Demoness Metria replied with a smileas her scant clothing shimmered into nothingness. "I sentMentia off to see the Demon Grossclout about our otherproblem.""Other problem?"2 PIERS ANTHONYShe pretended not to hear. "Grossclout's such an intrac-table cuss that it should take her days to pry any kind of ananswer from him.""That's a relief!" he said, looking more than relieved."It's not that I want to be critical, but�""But Mentia is slightly crazy," Metria finished. "And youmarried me, not my worser half. But because she did fissionoff from me, being disgusted by my new goody-goody atti-tude after I got half your soul, we can't keep her away. She'sthe half of me you naturally don't like�the soulless half,dedicated to making your life half-muled.""Half-whatted?""Horsed, equined, donkeyed, asinined�"He kissed her. "I think I could fathom the word if I con-centrated. Let's make hay while the sun shines."She looked perplexed. "Hay? I thought you hadsomething else in mind." A tantalizing wisp of strategicallyplaced clothing appeared."I love it when you tease me," he said, picking her upand carrying her to the master bedroom.She assumed the form of a nymph. "Eeeeek!" she criedfaintly, kicking her marvelous bare legs in the nymphly way."Whatever am I going to do?""You're going to make me deliriously happy, you lus-cious creature."She inhaled, enhancing what hardly needed it. "0, sigh,how can I escape this hideous fate?" she wailed cutely, kiss-ing him on eye, ear, nose, and throat.They fell together on the bed, in a tangle of limbs, faces,kisses, and whatnot. "You are the best thing that ever hap-pened to me," Veleno gasped around the activity. "You'rejust the most wonderful, beautiful, lovable, exciting, fantasticperson in all Xanth'""You damn me with faint praise," she muttered, claspinghim with such ardor that description would be improper.Another demoness popped into the chamber. "Oh, thereyou are, Metria!" she exclaimed. "No wonder I couldn't findRoc AND A HARD PLACE 3you around the grounds. I have brought you what you mostvitally need."Veleno stiffened, but not in the way he desired. "Oh, no!"Metria looked up from what was occupying her. "At theleast opportune time, of course. Do you mind, worser half?I happen to be busy at the moment."Mentia peered closely. "Oh? Doing what?""Making my husband deliriously happy, of course, as onlya demoness can.""When not being annoyingly interrupted," Veleno mut-tered.Mentia peered again. "Sorry. I thought that was a grimaceof pain on what's-his-name's face. Are you sure you aredoing an adequate job, better half?""Of course I'm sure!" Metria said indignantly. "He hasnot complained once in seven hundred and fifty times duringthe past year.""Oh? What about that groan he groaned just now?""That was when you appeared!""Well, if you feel that way, I'll just depart with what Ibrought, and never never return.""Oop, no!" Metria cried with alarm. "I need it!"Her husband, somewhat bemused by the interruption, putin two more words. "Need what?""Never mind," Metria said. "It's a soldier matter.""A what matter?" he asked. '"Secluded, cloistered, isolated, remote, detached, ob-scure�''"Private?""Whatever," she agreed crossly."But what could be private from your husband?" he askedsomewhat querulously."Yes, whatever could you be suspiciously concealingfrom your trusting spouse?" Mentia echoed."Can't we have this discussion some other time?" Metriademanded, frustrated.4 PIERS ANTHONY /"Of course, dear," Mentia agreed. "I'll pop back in dur-ing the next century." She began to fuzz out."No, wait!" Metria cried. "Now will do after all.""Why, how nice," Mentia said, smiling with somethingmore than good nature. "But don't you think you shouldintroduce us first?""Whatever for? He knows who the mischief you are, fromever since you returned from that madness with the gargoyle.""Yes, but he may have forgotten. I've been away a wholehour, you know.""That long?" Veleno inquired with resignation.Metria gritted her teeth. There was nothing half so annoy-ing as half a demoness! But she knew her worser half wouldnot give over until she had her half-baked way. "Veleno,this is the Demoness Mentia, my soulless worser half, whorepresents what I was like before I got half-souled, exceptthat she has no problem with vocational.""With what?""Idiom, language, speech, expression, locution, utterance,articulation�''"Words?"."Whatever. Instead, she's slightly crazy.""Yes, it's my talent," Mentia agreed proudly."And, Mentia, this is my husband Veleno, formerly anymphomaniac, but he hasn't touched a nymph since I mar-ried him and took half his soul.""Yes, but hasn't he looked at nymphs out the window,with a glint in his�?""Pleased to meet you," Veleno gritted, drawing free ahand and extending it. "Now will you begone?""Charmed, I'm sure," Mentia said, forming a pair of pin-cers on the end of her arm."Ixnay," Metria murmured wamingly. "Mortals are pro-tected from harm in this castle.""Oh, that's right," Mentia agreed, disappointed. The pin-cers became an ordinary hand, which shook Veleno's hand."That was one of the conditions of the restoration. Well,Roc AND A HARD PLACE 5now that your mortal man and I have been properly intro-duced, I will give you what you most need, Metria."At last! But Metria still wasn't easy about this. "Veleno,dearest, why don't you take a little snooze for the moment?"Metria suggested dulcetly, covering his eyes with her hand."But what could you need that I have not provided?" heasked, frowning."Yes, I'm sure he will be really, truly interested in thisvery important secret matter," Mentia said, sitting on theedge of the bed, so that her thigh touched Veleno."Oh, all right," Metria said, really crossly."Have no concern, dear, I will explain it excruciatinglyclearly," Mentia said. "What I bring is information to helpabate your incapacity, so you won't be a failure anymore."' 'What incapacity?'' Veleno demanded.' 'My wife has mademe deliriously happy almost continuously since we married.""That is the problem," Mentia said. "She has helped youwith the chore of summoning the stork seven hundred andfifty�" she peered again "�and a half times this year, andmore times during the prior year when I was too busy to bewith her, unfortunately, and yet the stork has not gotten themessage. She is clearly inadequate in this department."Veleno pondered, slowly realizing the truth of this state-ment. "That hadn't occurred to me," he said. "I was toodelirious to think of the stork. But how could it fail to getthe messages?""That is precisely what Metria wants to know," Mentiasaid. ' 'Whatever could be wrong with her to bomb so badlyin so many attempts? Whatever could make her such a soreloser? Especially when I could so readily have�""Nuh-uh!" Metria and Veleno said together."So she sent me to .ask the most intelligent creature sheknows, the Demon Grossclout, for advice," Mentia contin-ued without concern, "and he instantly delegated me to con-vey that essential advice to her. Naturally I delayed not halfa whit to honor that stricture. Her failing is simply too seriousto permit any delay."6 PIERS ANTHONY"Thank you so much, Worser," Metria snarled."You are so welcome. Better. I knew you would want toattend to your washout without delay." Mentia's formfuzzed, and assumed the likeness of a giant lemon, then acooked turkey. "I am thrilled to have been of so much help.""You haven't been of much help yet," Metria said grimly."What did Grossclout say7'' 'Oh, that. He says you should go ask Good MagicianHumfrey.""But Humfrey charges a year's service for a single An-swer!" Metria protested. "I don't want to pay that! That'swhy I went to Grossclout.""Grossclout did add a few words," Mentia said. "I be-lieve those words were mush-head, cheapskate, and serve herright;'"That's Grossclout, all right," Metria agreed. "He stillholds a grudge just because I chose to sand my nails in hisdull magic classes at Demon U.""Actually, that was I who did that," Mentia said, smilingreminiscently. "Back when we were inextricably bound to-gether as alternate aspects of a single demoness. Those werethe days! But I did not see fit to remind the Professor ofthat." She paused reflectively. "I might be able to remembera few more of his words, if it's really important," she offeredhelpfully."Thank you so much, no," Metria said. "I think I havefathomed his altitude.""His what?""Manner, disposition, temperament, bent, inclination, pen-chant�''"Attitude?" Veleno inquired."Whatever," Metria... [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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vi CONTENTS11. CHENA...12. SCRAMBLE .......13. MPD..............14. PROSECUTION....15. DEFENSE..........16. VERDICT..........AUTHOR'S NOTE,.205.232.252.275.297.316.3381PROBLEMIt was a nice castle, with high turrets, solid walls, a deepmoat, and an elevated office suite whose picture windowoverlooked the nearby community of nymphs. Firecracker plants grew around the wall, useful for starting firesin the mornings, and the crackers tasted good too. The con-nected orchard had pie trees of the most sinfully deliciousvarieties. The mistress of the household was exactly as beau-tiful, devoted, and accommodating as her husband desired.A man could hardly ask for a better situation.Except for one or two small things. ' 'Where is your worserhalf?" Veleno muttered, looking apprehensively around."Don't worry," the Demoness Metria replied with a smileas her scant clothing shimmered into nothingness. "I sentMentia off to see the Demon Grossclout about our otherproblem.""Other problem?"2 PIERS ANTHONYShe pretended not to hear. "Grossclout's such an intrac-table cuss that it should take her days to pry any kind of ananswer from him.""That's a relief!" he said, looking more than relieved."It's not that I want to be critical, but�""But Mentia is slightly crazy," Metria finished. "And youmarried me, not my worser half. But because she did fissionoff from me, being disgusted by my new goody-goody atti-tude after I got half your soul, we can't keep her away. She'sthe half of me you naturally don't like�the soulless half,dedicated to making your life half-muled.""Half-whatted?""Horsed, equined, donkeyed, asinined�"He kissed her. "I think I could fathom the word if I con-centrated. Let's make hay while the sun shines."She looked perplexed. "Hay? I thought you hadsomething else in mind." A tantalizing wisp of strategicallyplaced clothing appeared."I love it when you tease me," he said, picking her upand carrying her to the master bedroom.She assumed the form of a nymph. "Eeeeek!" she criedfaintly, kicking her marvelous bare legs in the nymphly way."Whatever am I going to do?""You're going to make me deliriously happy, you lus-cious creature."She inhaled, enhancing what hardly needed it. "0, sigh,how can I escape this hideous fate?" she wailed cutely, kiss-ing him on eye, ear, nose, and throat.They fell together on the bed, in a tangle of limbs, faces,kisses, and whatnot. "You are the best thing that ever hap-pened to me," Veleno gasped around the activity. "You'rejust the most wonderful, beautiful, lovable, exciting, fantasticperson in all Xanth'""You damn me with faint praise," she muttered, claspinghim with such ardor that description would be improper.Another demoness popped into the chamber. "Oh, thereyou are, Metria!" she exclaimed. "No wonder I couldn't findRoc AND A HARD PLACE 3you around the grounds. I have brought you what you mostvitally need."Veleno stiffened, but not in the way he desired. "Oh, no!"Metria looked up from what was occupying her. "At theleast opportune time, of course. Do you mind, worser half?I happen to be busy at the moment."Mentia peered closely. "Oh? Doing what?""Making my husband deliriously happy, of course, as onlya demoness can.""When not being annoyingly interrupted," Veleno mut-tered.Mentia peered again. "Sorry. I thought that was a grimaceof pain on what's-his-name's face. Are you sure you aredoing an adequate job, better half?""Of course I'm sure!" Metria said indignantly. "He hasnot complained once in seven hundred and fifty times duringthe past year.""Oh? What about that groan he groaned just now?""That was when you appeared!""Well, if you feel that way, I'll just depart with what Ibrought, and never never return.""Oop, no!" Metria cried with alarm. "I need it!"Her husband, somewhat bemused by the interruption, putin two more words. "Need what?""Never mind," Metria said. "It's a soldier matter.""A what matter?" he asked. '"Secluded, cloistered, isolated, remote, detached, ob-scure�''"Private?""Whatever," she agreed crossly."But what could be private from your husband?" he askedsomewhat querulously."Yes, whatever could you be suspiciously concealingfrom your trusting spouse?" Mentia echoed."Can't we have this discussion some other time?" Metriademanded, frustrated.4 PIERS ANTHONY /"Of course, dear," Mentia agreed. "I'll pop back in dur-ing the next century." She began to fuzz out."No, wait!" Metria cried. "Now will do after all.""Why, how nice," Mentia said, smiling with somethingmore than good nature. "But don't you think you shouldintroduce us first?""Whatever for? He knows who the mischief you are, fromever since you returned from that madness with the gargoyle.""Yes, but he may have forgotten. I've been away a wholehour, you know.""That long?" Veleno inquired with resignation.Metria gritted her teeth. There was nothing half so annoy-ing as half a demoness! But she knew her worser half wouldnot give over until she had her half-baked way. "Veleno,this is the Demoness Mentia, my soulless worser half, whorepresents what I was like before I got half-souled, exceptthat she has no problem with vocational.""With what?""Idiom, language, speech, expression, locution, utterance,articulation�''"Words?"."Whatever. Instead, she's slightly crazy.""Yes, it's my talent," Mentia agreed proudly."And, Mentia, this is my husband Veleno, formerly anymphomaniac, but he hasn't touched a nymph since I mar-ried him and took half his soul.""Yes, but hasn't he looked at nymphs out the window,with a glint in his�?""Pleased to meet you," Veleno gritted, drawing free ahand and extending it. "Now will you begone?""Charmed, I'm sure," Mentia said, forming a pair of pin-cers on the end of her arm."Ixnay," Metria murmured wamingly. "Mortals are pro-tected from harm in this castle.""Oh, that's right," Mentia agreed, disappointed. The pin-cers became an ordinary hand, which shook Veleno's hand."That was one of the conditions of the restoration. Well,Roc AND A HARD PLACE 5now that your mortal man and I have been properly intro-duced, I will give you what you most need, Metria."At last! But Metria still wasn't easy about this. "Veleno,dearest, why don't you take a little snooze for the moment?"Metria suggested dulcetly, covering his eyes with her hand."But what could you need that I have not provided?" heasked, frowning."Yes, I'm sure he will be really, truly interested in thisvery important secret matter," Mentia said, sitting on theedge of the bed, so that her thigh touched Veleno."Oh, all right," Metria said, really crossly."Have no concern, dear, I will explain it excruciatinglyclearly," Mentia said. "What I bring is information to helpabate your incapacity, so you won't be a failure anymore."' 'What incapacity?'' Veleno demanded.' 'My wife has mademe deliriously happy almost continuously since we married.""That is the problem," Mentia said. "She has helped youwith the chore of summoning the stork seven hundred andfifty�" she peered again "�and a half times this year, andmore times during the prior year when I was too busy to bewith her, unfortunately, and yet the stork has not gotten themessage. She is clearly inadequate in this department."Veleno pondered, slowly realizing the truth of this state-ment. "That hadn't occurred to me," he said. "I was toodelirious to think of the stork. But how could it fail to getthe messages?""That is precisely what Metria wants to know," Mentiasaid. ' 'Whatever could be wrong with her to bomb so badlyin so many attempts? Whatever could make her such a soreloser? Especially when I could so readily have�""Nuh-uh!" Metria and Veleno said together."So she sent me to .ask the most intelligent creature sheknows, the Demon Grossclout, for advice," Mentia contin-ued without concern, "and he instantly delegated me to con-vey that essential advice to her. Naturally I delayed not halfa whit to honor that stricture. Her failing is simply too seriousto permit any delay."6 PIERS ANTHONY"Thank you so much, Worser," Metria snarled."You are so welcome. Better. I knew you would want toattend to your washout without delay." Mentia's formfuzzed, and assumed the likeness of a giant lemon, then acooked turkey. "I am thrilled to have been of so much help.""You haven't been of much help yet," Metria said grimly."What did Grossclout say7'' 'Oh, that. He says you should go ask Good MagicianHumfrey.""But Humfrey charges a year's service for a single An-swer!" Metria protested. "I don't want to pay that! That'swhy I went to Grossclout.""Grossclout did add a few words," Mentia said. "I be-lieve those words were mush-head, cheapskate, and serve herright;'"That's Grossclout, all right," Metria agreed. "He stillholds a grudge just because I chose to sand my nails in hisdull magic classes at Demon U.""Actually, that was I who did that," Mentia said, smilingreminiscently. "Back when we were inextricably bound to-gether as alternate aspects of a single demoness. Those werethe days! But I did not see fit to remind the Professor ofthat." She paused reflectively. "I might be able to remembera few more of his words, if it's really important," she offeredhelpfully."Thank you so much, no," Metria said. "I think I havefathomed his altitude.""His what?""Manner, disposition, temperament, bent, inclination, pen-chant�''"Attitude?" Veleno inquired."Whatever," Metria... [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]